Take Time For You

“Self-care is not about self-indulgence, it is about self-preservation.” - Audre Lorde

The most important time we can take is to invest in ourselves.

Read that again.

Do you feel resistance around that statement? Does it feel selfish? Do you hear your ego telling you that’s a sign of weakness? It’s no surprise that we live in a culture that promotes overworking, overbusyness and overconnectedness as the status quo. Especially as mamas, the first things that we give up when life gets busy are those things that nourish us the most. That’s what we’ve been taught. That’s how we’ve been applauded: “Good mothers always put their families first, or “good moms are completely selfless.” We may have even heard our parents speak or act this way. However, the result is that we are left with only work or other stressors that often deplete us further, and nothing to replenish or nurture us. Burnout is the result and our culture promotes it like a badge of honor; a measure of success.

The problem is, there are far too many examples of people (including myself) who have pushed themselves to the limit and overexerted themselves. Thinking that “more is better” we act like our own personal drill sergeants, constantly striving, incessantly checking things off, all while ignoring our bodies’ subtle cues. This can lead to anxiety, addictions, inflammation, strained relationships, eating disorders, gastrointestinal issues, panic attacks, high blood pressure, etc. All in the pursuit of doing things we think we should do instead of things we want to do and never feeling whole.

Both wrists, elbows and knees exploded in inflammation during a very stressful time in my life. Doctors couldn't explain it. Surgeons wanted to cut me open. I was rotating through ice packs multiple times each day, taking Tylenol and applying topical anti-inflammatory meds daily. I went to sleep with full arm braces because I couldn't bend my joints. I literally couldn't lift a plate out of the cabinet or walk pain-free down the stairs. This was my wake-up call.

According to the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind-Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital, 60-90% of doctor visits are stress-related conditions. Yet we still struggle to prioritize ourselves and our well-being…

It’s important to remember that the goal here is NOT to beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up. It is NOT to shame ourselves or feel guilty, but to take an honest inventory of our choices and priorities; how are we spending our time? Are we engaging in activities that drain us or those that give us energy and passion? We are not puppets on a string. We always have a choice. And this can look different for everyone. We just need to get comfortable NOT playing into the societal norms that don’t serve our lives.

Arianna Huffington, author, entrepreneur, and one of Forbes "Most Powerful Women", writes about this in her book, Thrive. She woke up in a pool of blood after severe burnout and exhaustion led her to collapse and break her cheekbone on the corner of her desk. After numerous brain MRIs, CAT scans and EKGs, she discovered the underlying cause to be an unsustainable and taxing lifestyle. This was her wake-up call to redefine success for future generations. She describes an important metric of success that goes beyond money, power and accomplishments - “well-being, wisdom, wonder and giving.” I think of these as prongs in the wheel of self-care.

When we hear the phrase “self care,” we often think of pampering. Getting our nails done, going out to brunch, getting a massage. Yes, all of those things are lovely. But for many of us, that is not realistic on a regular basis. When I’m referring to self-care, I’m also talking about being gentler, kinder and more compassionate with ourselves; taking time to recharge our batteries and honoring the space, the gaps, the pauses, and the silence in our lives. It’s about shifting the paradigm from “status chasing” to “soul-making.” Deepening and broadening our experience where we are now, and not frantically reaching for some elusive endpoint. We can’t live life as a business to be managed. We need to remind ourselves of our finite time here and bask in the awe of all that’s around us.

And if the benefits for yourself aren’t motivation enough, by taking care of yourself and nurturing your soul, this is a wonderful way to teach your kids about the importance of listening to themselves and taking time to honor the things that light them up. As Brene Brown so insightfully says, “The question isn’t are we parenting the right way, but are you the adult you want your child to grow up to be?” Now as a mom of two, this quote guides me in everything I do.

Practical Tips:

• Take a solo date - start with 2-3 hours. Don’t go shopping, or scroll IG, or check things off your to-do list. This is your time to be totally alone and free from the “noise.”

  • Ideas include: go for a walk and listen to an inspiring podcast, journal on 20 things you are grateful for, cozy up on your couch and read.

  • For those of us with kids, ask your hubby in advance to watch the kids or send them off with the grandparents or a babysitter.

• Do something creative - paint/draw/write/dance.

• Put your legs up the wall for 5 minutes.

• Learn a new hobby or skill.

• Sign up for a class on a topic that is interesting to you.

• For us mamas, once you get kids in bed, don’t do any more work. No cleaning, no projects, no organizing. Take a bath, diffuse lavender oil, drink peppermint tea. Do something ritualistic to signal the end of your ‘work day.’ Try this at least once per week.

• Every morning, ask yourself these questions (I put them as a recurring reminder in my phone for 6am): How can I nourish myself today? How can I mother myself today?

• Find your ‘soul sisters’ - enlist your friends to support you on this path! Your support network makes all the difference in helping to hold you accountable.

• Ask for help. You don't have to go it alone.

  • It is a myth that asking for help is a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of courage and confidence.

  • You will show up better for everyone in your life when you feel supported (and model the importance of community for your kids).

• Say positive affirmations about yourself (see my post on “The Power of Positive Affirmations”).

  • Try this one: “I manage my life with ease and I experience an abundance of time and support.”

  • It matters how we talk to ourselves when we’re in private - affirm to yourself you are committed to your well-being. Eliminate those critical and judgmental thoughts.

I know at first this will feel foreign, but keep doing the work. What you practice, you become. There is not a point at which we can say, okay, now I’m done taking care of myself, back to work. Let’s rid of this mindset! We need to maintain a lifestyle routine that enables us to constantly and consistently be tending to our bodies and our souls. Whether it’s little micro-rests across the day, or a self-care retreat 1/month. Allocate that time and guard it with everything you have. We need to shift our paradigm to be one of balance and compassion and not constant striving. Give yourself grace and recognize that the path to making your self-care a priority (and appreciating how life-altering it can be) doesn’t happen overnight. Little by little, with practice and repetition, you will shift your thinking. Remember, the most important nurturing you can receive is the love you shower upon yourself.