Mindset Matters

I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach. I was angry and frustrated that he put me in that position, yet part of me loved the idea.

“Ugh, I’m going to bring down the intensity of the game. People are going to think to themselves, “why is she here?” I’m not going to make the serve over the net. I’m going to get smacked in the nose with the ball. These men are going to roll their eyes. I’ll be the only girl!”

Chris has been a part of an intense beach volleyball league for the past few months, and he loves it. From what I hear, it’s a crew of macho men who are uber-competitive and athletic. They range from former motorcycle stunt men to millionaire CEOs. Not at all intimidating...Chris comes home drenched in sweat and sand and tells me about the F bombs that were dropped when so and so missed the hit.

When the opportunity arose for us to leave the kids with my in-laws and go play together on a gorgeous river-front beach volleyball court, Chris was pumped. Me on the other hand, I immediately felt fear. My gut knew I was capable, yet the thought of putting myself out there was scary. Why? Because, according to Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, I was embracing a fixed mindset. The chance of me failing and making a fool of myself in front of all of these men was 50/50, and in a fixed mindset everything is about the outcome. I was afraid of having to put in effort and not walk out on the court already at 100%. If I didn't play like a collegiate athlete (and I am far from that!), then what was the point? I felt like I already had to be great, or else it would be a huge drag on everyone and a waste of time.

Have you ever felt like this?! It’s not a fun feeling and closes the door to so many new joyful opportunities! The volleyball scenario is just one example of why our mindset is so important in living our lives to the fullest. Do we want to look back on our lives from our deathbed and say, “I could’ve been XYZ,” or rather, “I gave it my all!”

Before reading Carol’s book, I would often wonder why some people shy away from challenges and retreat at the first sign of failure (ME much of my life), while others relish in challenges and thrive in the face of obstacles? Well, it’s not about ability or looks or status, but it’s your mindset. And it typically stems from how you were raised and the mindset of your parents. We cannot blame our parents (as they are products of their parents and their lineage - love you mom and dad!), but that's what the research shows.

Much of my life I have avoided situations where I could face the possibility of failure. If I tried something and it didn’t come naturally and effortlessly to me, then I would assume that door is closed. I basically would become a bully to myself, as opposed to an advocate or cheerleader. I wouldn’t speak up in school unless I knew for certain that my answer was correct or other people had the same question as me. If I got it wrong, or asked a stupid question, then I would feel like a failure. My self worth was so wrapped up in proving I was smart and not the actual process of learning. I felt smart, worthy, confident when I was flawless. Flawless in school, at work, my job, and my appearance.

My fixed mindset thinks that it is keeping me safe, keeping me protected, acting as my armor...but as I continue to peel back the layers of myself, I am realizing that this armor is getting too damn heavy and doesn't fit anymore. I’m working to release thoughts that out-running everything will keep me safe. Thinking that hiding behind accolades and high-fives and trophies will make me feel worthy. Falsely thinking that life is about making it through unscathed to the finish line; avoiding bumps and bruises, setbacks, and discomfort. This is totally counter to who we are as human beings, yet as a culture we still praise perfection.

How would a baby ever learn to walk if they didn't keep trying after they have fallen down for the 15th time? How would they learn to eat if they didn’t gag and spit while figuring out how to chew? Why do we lose that gusto as adults? Why did I lose that? I definitely want to be thoughtful about this in terms of how I speak about my abilities with my girls, and how I show up in front of them. If there’s a hard task at hand, will mommy try it? Or will I say, “no that’s not for me?”

Chris has taught me a lot about the growth mindset. I’ve experienced joy in ways I could’ve never imagined by trying things that were terrifying at first, but opening my eyes to amazing possibilities: chartering a sailboat in remote destinations, learning how to ride a road bike and doing a 65-mile race, becoming a yoga teacher, learning how to ski black diamonds in my 20’s, flying across the country and pitching deals to C-suite executives, managing others, becoming a top performer in my career, STARTING A BLOG! Literally every single time my first thought was, “I cannot do this. I’m not like other people. I can’t learn this. If I have to put in effort it means I’m unfit; it means I don’t belong.”

My everyday practice now with myself and my girls is to see failure as part of the process. Failure as a good thing. Not having labels, not holding tight to one identity or one version of ourselves; not seeking validation. This is what I want to bring to my journey as a health coach. I want to make an impact in people’s lives. I want to share my passions and my beliefs. I know that it will be a rocky road. I know that I will question if I’m worthy, if I’m capable, if I’ll be judged or what if people don’t care. But each time I will catch myself. I will not live from a place of fear, but from a place of growth, vulnerability and courage.

So when you find something that lights you up, but that little voice pops up telling you that you’re not good enough or you might fail, or it’s too scary - do it anyway.