Authenticity is Always Worth the Risk

“Give me the courage to show up and let myself be seen.” – Brene Brown

This quote from Brene Brown is life changing for me. I have spent the majority of my life doing the exact opposite. And to be honest, I need to constantly remind myself of this, even though it is sometimes terrifying.

As someone who is a recovering perfectionist, I used to think that the more finely tuned, manufactured and polished I am, the more I will be liked, admired and (most importantly) protected from judgment and criticism. I would wear perfectionism like a coat of armor. If I don’t have any hair out of place, cover-up all my imperfections, never go against the majority, am always well-liked, and never make mistakes then I can avoid the deeply uncomfortable shame of being judged. Because “they” are always judging, right? What will “they” think? Will “they approve?” BUT WHO IS “THEY?!” And why are “they” so powerful!? When I posed this question to a wise friend, she said “are you living from fear or are you living from love? If you choose to attune to judgment, that’s what you’ll see. If you choose to attune to connection, that’s what you’ll see.” Pause. Mind-blowing. Sure, are there going to be people who derive pleasure from judging? Probably so (and most likely are judging themselves the hardest), but am I going to spend one minute of my precious life attuning to that? No, I am not. I am going to live from a place of genuine authenticity and show up for me, as me. And it feels so damn good.

To get to this point of mental clarity has been a long road, and I know will continue to be a life-long practice. Just as we will always have to exercise to keep our bodies in shape, we will always have to practice vulnerability to stay true to ourselves and be at peace in our minds.

In high school I experienced the real-life version of “Mean Girls.” If I understood then what I know now about how adolescent brains are still far from fully developed, maybe my self-esteem wouldn’t have been so crushed. But my 15-year-old self didn’t know how to handle rumors, isolation and ridicule. I retreated. I became small and invisible. And I started to view my worthiness in the same way. If I keep my head down, my body perfect, my work errorless, never speak out of turn, avoid being too bold or ruffling feathers, then I’ll be safe. That’s how you start layering on the armor. The protective coating that we put on when we can’t handle the fear of being too vulnerable, too exposed. It makes us feel safe. For some, that’s hiding behind perfectionism, people pleasing, never saying no and overcommitting; putting your own needs last. Being a “good girl.” For others that’s competition, comparison, judgment, a scarcity mindset; being a tough cookie and laying down the law; trying to control everything and everyone around you. For me, it was (is…a work in progress, remember?) a combination of several of these “suits of armor.” The problem is that when we erect these walls around ourselves, we are reinforcing to ourselves, to our souls, that we are inadequate. Yet the paradox of this is that we love to see rawness and openness in other people, yet we feel it’s too risky to share it ourselves…

So, what does this mean? What does this mean for us to have the courage to show up and be seen? It means honoring our authenticity and valuing who we are and how we feel each day. Begin a daily practice and set mini-goals for yourself – start with at least one act of authenticity each day:

-Trust your gut even if that means going against the majority.

-Say what’s on your mind even if it sounds silly or uninformed.

-Draw boundaries and say no if you’re feeling overwhelmed or need some space (even if it means you may disappoint people in the process).

-Answer honestly when someone asks how you are. If you’re low, say so. If you’re proud, share your successes.

-Don’t spend time putting on make-up or getting dolled up if you’d rather show up in gym clothes and sneakers because that’s what feels best. Or, rock those fancy earrings if you want to be a bit more glam!

-Own your mistakes. We all make them.

-Share your creations in all of their imperfect glory– art, writing, music.

-Stop being the “coper” and the “giver” if it’s too exhausting. It’s okay to flip your lid sometimes! You don’t get a medal at the end for always being stoic.

-Let go of the image of the perfect mom. She doesn’t exist. Embrace the mess, the tantrums, the schedule out the window. Even for just one day. (This is a hard one for me!)

-If you want to do something, take something on, try something new (and you are doing it from the SOUL) then it doesn’t matter what people think because you are doing it for you.

Even if it seems risky, it’s always worth it to be authentic, vulnerable and to truly “be seen.” Daily practices of authenticity and believing we are enough is our way out of armor. When you do it for yourself, you empower family, friends, community, and most importantly, those little, tiny humans who look up to you, to do the same.